Tag Archives: Tired

Low Dayz

I hate days like today. The low days. Days where depression seems far stronger than I am, and drags me down like an anchor, strapped to my ankles.

I feel helpless, hopeless, pathetic, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, and overall, simply emotional. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

I feel the pressure of all the things I need to do, weighing down my shoulders, pushing me into a slump, increasing the negativity of my current self. I know I’ll regret not working on the things I need to get done, but when I try to push those overloaded shoulders up and get to work, I find I lack the energy.

I didn’t a few hours ago. Why now? What’s changed?

My depression got a boost from my new hormone pills, and together, they’ve knocked me on my back.

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering how it came to this. I was happy; laughing; the smile on my face came so easily. I was jazzed, ready to take on the world, had a plan.

That stupid little pill, the one fixing my screwed up body, had to be taken at noon. I steeled my mind to stay positive, to keep up the same attitude and energy even after the pill’s contents had entered my blood stream.

I failed. Again. The pill is too difficult to fight when I haven’t slept well. I can’t be tired and strong – it’s too much to fight on my own.

So I fall. Just keeping my mind from sinking into darkness is a chore, and now I have to settle for a new goal for the day: breathing.

I’ll turn to God. Pray for a while, set my mind on things that will make me at least want to smile. I’ll push through, and later welcome sleep. I’ll wake in the morning, once again jazzed and ready to get everything done. I’ll take my pills at noon, and be back where I am now.

Oh, how I pray for the day my body is straightened out, where I don’t feel like this any more. Then I can be over these pills. Done with the roller coasters. Past the madness.

Until that day, I’ll simply breath.

 

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So, I’m sick…again…

Whoopee!  I’m sick.  Again.

Ugh.

whoopee little rascals

I’ve been getting sick more often the past several years, and it suck.  It’s not just sniffles either, no.  It’s the full blown can’t get out of bed, legs don’t want to work, I feel like I’m going to die (overly dramatic, but still) kinda sick.  Once my hormones and body settle down a bit, I’m sure that will subside a bit.  I hope.

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What sucks the most though, is the fact that my sleep deprived brain seems to take the opportunity to be depressive and cynical.  I start getting insecure about things I don’t normally worry about.  Little things become nail-biting issues.  My worry-wart-ness goes into over drive, and I start feeling like the whole world is falling apart.  At least, my world.

2dbe9-incredibles2btreading2bwater2bwe2527re2bdead

Does anyone else feel like that when they get sick?  Is that normal?  I don’t know.  Maybe not.

emperor's new groove kronk eezma shrug

All I know is, that is the worst part of getting sick.  The internal emotional/mental wars that start out of no where, and make me question everything.  The little hissing voices I can normally tune out, become louder and more insistent, tearing me up inside.  I can’t seem to decide anything, and the decisions and life choice I’ve made all start to bubble up and look warped.

freaked out minions despicable me

I suppose, on a deeper level, that probably stems from the fact I’m very insecure about my life.  About myself.  I’m a timid and nervous person already, and being sick causes my mind to magnify those issues even more.

Ugh.  Maybe the real question should be, how to people live, without questioning everything all the time?  Without being nervous and worried and conflicted?  Not conflicted, I guess.  Just insecure.  How do some people seem to be so easily, comfortably secure in their life, and not worry about things like life choices or where they’re headed?  It’s astonishing to me, and I’m envious of that ability.  I need to figure out how to be like that, before I drive myself mad.

nervous gum chewing that's so raven symone

At the moment, in my sleep deprived mind, drenched in germs and a heightened sense of insecurity and self doubt, my whole life just seems warped and twisted.  Skewed and odd, and I truly wonder what God is doing with my life.  I hope He knows what He’s doing.  I mean, I’m sure He does, of course.  I guess really, I hope I’m hearing Him correctly.  And if I’m not, I hope He knows I am trying.

sad bunny b&w

Ugh.  I need a hug.  And chocolate.  And sleep.

Today sucks.

Ugh, such a crappy day.  You know those ones?  Where it just feels like you’re getting a pile of poo dumped on you, over and over.  You start to get rid of the poo, and more just gets dumped on.  It sucks.

It’s smelly, and heavy, and depressing.

depressed crying rain

That’s what today feels like.  Just crappy.  Shitty.  Poo-tastic.

I hate days like today, because being a person who struggles with depression, these days tend to seep down really far.  It takes a while to get the yucky feeling to go away, and find some happiness again.

I don’t find comfort in things like food or people – most of the time, those just make it worse.  Walking and exercise help, but I can’t today, for other reasons.  So I’m left with music, which even today, is simply acting like a band-aid.

tina fey blurg

That’s the really scary part – usually music snaps me out of it quick and helps heal everything.  Not today.  Today, the crap is so monumental, music can’t even make its way through.

I really just can’t wait for this day to be over.  It’s got a long way to go though, and I don’t know if I can take it.

Today sucks.

bad day grumpy

Hormone Therapy Sucks

Perimenopause and Menopause in your 20s sucks.

Body changes that happen during menopause/perimenopause suck.

Only truly relating to mostly women over half my age sucks.

Searching for remedies recommended for those women sucks.

Surpassing my mother in body issues sucks.

Feeling old in my body sucks.

Not being able to change it sucks.

My skin and hair issues suck.

My body flucuations sucks.

Hot flashes suck.

The weight roller-coaster sucks.

The hormone roller-coaster sucks.

Hormone pills every day sucks.

No one understanding, expecting, or knowing what to say sucks.

Knowing I’ll be living with this for the rest of my life sucks.

Being scared of what I will feel like when I’m 50 sucks.

Hating my body sucks.

The pain sucks.

Everything else I’m dealing with besides the premature perimenopause/menopause (the issues that caused it) sucks.

But mainly, it’s not having a choice about it, that really sucks.

Tired of Feeling Tired.

So, I’m still not sure what I’m going to be using this blog for.  I may use it as a general landing site for all my other stuff.  I may use it as an online journal, and way to connect with other people outside any of my brands.  I’m just not sure yet.

For now, I just need an outlet.  I’m going to be posting this on my other blogs as well, so I may as well post it here too.

Basically, I’m tired of being tired.  I’m tired of feeling fatigued.  I’m tired of having to rely on energy drinks to simply stay awake.

Like, even now.  I’m drinking an energy drink mixed with orange soda and Mt. Dew, and I’m still struggling to keep my eyes open.  I know what some of you may think – drinking that crap isn’t good for you, and will make your body sluggish after a while.  That is true, and I totally agree.  I would rather not drink any of it.  I’d prefer to stick to water, green tea and juice.

Here’s the thing – when I do that, I fall asleep.  See, I’m narcoleptic.  To fight that, I stay as buzzed as possible.  It doesn’t always fix everything, and I still konk out from time to time, which sucks.  Loosing a few minutes, a half our, even an hour or two randomly sucks.  Especially when I work from home :/

That’s what I’m feeling today.  I’m tired, on top of my sleep issues.  I can barely stay awake, and have to rely on crap to keep me alert.  I have to work.  I have to keep building up my businesses, and make money.

I’m just tired of being tired.

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