Tag Archives: Random Thoughts

Low Dayz

I hate days like today. The low days. Days where depression seems far stronger than I am, and drags me down like an anchor, strapped to my ankles.

I feel helpless, hopeless, pathetic, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, and overall, simply emotional. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

I feel the pressure of all the things I need to do, weighing down my shoulders, pushing me into a slump, increasing the negativity of my current self. I know I’ll regret not working on the things I need to get done, but when I try to push those overloaded shoulders up and get to work, I find I lack the energy.

I didn’t a few hours ago. Why now? What’s changed?

My depression got a boost from my new hormone pills, and together, they’ve knocked me on my back.

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering how it came to this. I was happy; laughing; the smile on my face came so easily. I was jazzed, ready to take on the world, had a plan.

That stupid little pill, the one fixing my screwed up body, had to be taken at noon. I steeled my mind to stay positive, to keep up the same attitude and energy even after the pill’s contents had entered my blood stream.

I failed. Again. The pill is too difficult to fight when I haven’t slept well. I can’t be tired and strong – it’s too much to fight on my own.

So I fall. Just keeping my mind from sinking into darkness is a chore, and now I have to settle for a new goal for the day: breathing.

I’ll turn to God. Pray for a while, set my mind on things that will make me at least want to smile. I’ll push through, and later welcome sleep. I’ll wake in the morning, once again jazzed and ready to get everything done. I’ll take my pills at noon, and be back where I am now.

Oh, how I pray for the day my body is straightened out, where I don’t feel like this any more. Then I can be over these pills. Done with the roller coasters. Past the madness.

Until that day, I’ll simply breath.

 

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What “Follow Your Heart” Means to Me

Recently, I came across a post on Facebook, one of those memes from Word Porn (the name bugs me, but they’ve got some amazing motivational stuff posted daily, so whatevs). It was basically saying another version of “Follow Your Heart, it Knows” or something like that.

While that got me thinking a little, what really caught my attention was a guy’s comment. He said: “‘Listen to your heart, it knows.’ Hmm. I am reminded here of Jeremiah 17:9: ‘The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?’ So who’s right, the Native Americans or the ancient Israelites?”

This struck me as odd, because I do follow my heart, and I feel it’s right.

So of course, I went to Google, and searched through results for “following your heart and the bible.” Not so surprisingly, there are plenty of articles on this topic. Most say “don’t follow your heart” based on the same scripture passage above.

I challenged my own heart, and my spirit, with this view. I checked myself against it, and let myself digest it for a moment. Then I prayed about it, because the idea that following my heart is wrong, wasn’t sitting well with me. It felt twisted.

I’d like to share what I felt God explaining to me, when I asked Him about it.

True, our hearts themselves are easily manipulated, and dangerous to follow. So is our own mind. They are selfish, proud, vindictive, and all sorts of other nasty things – we’re human, that’s part of the messy package.

Thing is, when we accept Christ into our lives, He then (if you’re actually following Him) is the one leading our hearts. The Holy Spirit lives in us then, and is another voice to rival our human heart’s petty voice.

He gave me the image of something at it’s basic level – functional, but not reliable. You have to add things to it that are reliable – Jesus & The Holy Spirit – and put effort into it – learning to let Jesus lead your heart, instead of your heart leading you – in order for it to become something helpful.

Where I became so conflicted when I first looked into it today, was from the fact I don’t have a basic heart any more, and haven’t for most of my life. I’ve let Jesus lead my heart since I was 3, and I don’t remember what my heart’s basic voice is. It wouldn’t even feel like my heart, because it belongs so completely to the Lord.

So, for me, I do follow my heart. However, the base of that is, Jesus is the one leading my heart.

When I was 6, God gave me a vision that I’m like a blind child, and He is my seeing eye dog. If I rely on my own abilities, I will fall repeatedly, and fail in most things I try to do in life. With my seeing eye dog, however, I am safe. If I trust Him completely, and let Him lead me, I won’t fail, and He will catch me any time I trip.

God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit are the seeing eye dog to my heart. I see it as His, not mine. There is no part of it that’s only mine any more, so it seemed odd to me to hear people talk about it so negatively. My first thought was “Jesus lives there, how can it be so nasty?”

I do see my heart as a compass, but only because it’s led by God, and works by Jesus’s grace. I let Them influence it completely, and check everything I’m not sure about with The Holy Spirit guiding my own spirit.

Maybe this is the kind of journey the heart is meant to take. We can’t rely on anything about ourselves without God, including our hearts. That’s the whole point of a relationship with Him, and I think, the whole point of life. To build the strongest relationship possible, with our Father.

Everything should be focused on Him – our hearts, our minds, our desires, our goals, our passions, and our mistakes. When He is the center of our world, the deceit we find in the world stops poisoning us. He protects us from it, and the longer we have a healthy relationship with Him, the stronger that resistance becomes.

That’s what it means to me, anyway. I felt lead to write a post about it, and I’d love to hear what you think!

 

Merry Christmas!

Hiya, hope you’re all having a wonderful Christmas!

In our family, we celebrate Christmas until after New Years. Why stop now, this season rocks! =D

If the Christmas celebration ends for you after today, we hope it was awesome for you, and hope the rest of December is smooth sailing!

What are you plans for the next week? Any ideas on how to end the year? We always like to try and go out with a bang! =D

One more week for 2015 – we hope it’s marvelous!

Thanks for all your support, and for being so awesome!

~Rose

 

So, I’ve Written A Book…

this is serious business anna k.

Some of you may know, I’m a writer. I write a ton, and have since I was two.

I’ve never had the nerve to actually publish anything though, and rarely even let other people read what I write. I know, stereotypical, right? I know a lot of people are the same way.

Well, I’m no exception. I had to get over that whole “what if they don’t liiiiike me?!” thing, and build up the courage to publish…something.

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Last year, I joined NaNoWriMo, and loved it! I had a blast, and while I didn’t even come close to finishing the book I started (got like 25,000 words or so), I decided I liked the story I’d come up with, and wanted to keep going. I wrote with the hope I’d be able to publish it, but no concrete plans.

A year later, I’m prepping it for the public!! I’m so nervous, but also extremely excited.

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At the moment, it’s sitting with the beta-readers. I’m hoping to get them all back in January sometime, and have it edited (by my amazing editor hubby), ready to publish sometime in January. Fingers crossed ūüôā

Anyway, if you’re a reader, and enjoy following newbie authors, I’d love the support!

thank you little girl creepy

I’ve made accounts under my author name, Roze Wallin – cool, hu? ūüėČ

Anyway, I’m on Goodreads, Twitter, and Google +. I also made a Facebook profile, and an author page.

Please feel free to connect with me anywhere you’d like, and follow my book!

Desi Pere Cover Goodreads

It’s called Desi Pere, and is the first in the three part Swirling Secrets series. I have a place-holder image already, and am planning on releasing the official cover on January 11th. I designed it myself, and can’t wait to share it! =D
I’ll be putting together a list of blogs willing to participate in the Cover Reveal soon, which is so exciting!
I will also be putting together a Release Blitz, when I have a better idea of when I’ll have it ready to be published – eek! =D
I’m going to be self publishing through Amazon Kindle at first, then Createspace for the paperback copies.
I’m so excited to be sharing this book, and can’t wait to see what people think of it! Even if it’s a total bomb, it’s a ton of fun putting a story out there, and creating something from nothing. Always a treat.

If you’d like to contact me at all about my author/writing stuff, please feel free to shoot me an email, at rozewallin@gmail.com.

Thanks! ūüėÄ

 

 

I Need to Feel the Burn!!

I miss working out. Dear God, how I miss it!

crying dramatic zooey dash.

First off, let me say: I know it’s no one else’s fault that I haven’t worked out much the past few years. It’s entirely my doing, so don’t think this is one of those “oh poor me” posts. It’s not.

This is a “oh dear God, I can’t take it any more!!” post.

It’s me, saying I can’t stay like this any more. I can’t pretend I am ok with my body. I’ve learned the lesson needed from it – I’m comfortable in my skin, just the way it is.

That’s just it though – I’m comfortable. Not happy.

I’m not happy.

giphy (29)

I’m the only one who’s stopped myself from working out, and I’m the only one who can start again. I know this, full and well. That’s part of what this is for me, right now. Getting it out, writing it down, seeing it physically out there. Me, saying enough is enough. Dear God, woman, pull your shit together!!!

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See, in High School, I was known as a “workout nazi” among my friends and peers. I did cross country, weight training, soccer, basket ball, and helped train the wrestling team and football team. I was a trainer, I was a fitness expert, and I was a health nut guru. I still am, at heart. I have the knowledge, I have the experience, I just don’t have the ability.

Or at least, I haven’t.

I suffer from several chronic medical conditions. Part of what drove me to become such a workout nut, was the fact I was in pain, nearly 24/7. I wasn’t in a situation where I could deal with it medically, so I simply had to push through it. I’m a bit of a pit bull/bulldog of a woman, and I don’t just sit and pout when I’m in pain. I kick ass.

strong back

Having to finally deal with my medical issues though, meant I had to stop. I had to sit still, before I killed myself from neglecting the things that were killing me. Had I not stopped and dealt with the pain instead of pushing through it, I’d be worm food right now.

I’m glad I took a break. I’m glad I listened to my amazing hubby, and got myself figured out. I’m glad that my life isn’t at risk the same way any more.

s. gomez teary eyed thank you

Having a hysterectomy in my early 20s though, was traumatic. It took nearly two years for me to recover physically from my medical stuff. It was bad enough to where just going grocery shopping took all my strength, and nearly put me in tears from the pain. If you know me, you know I don’t cry easily – bulldog, remember?

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Mentally and emotionally, it took me another several years to pull myself out of the hole I fell into. Having to stop working out wrecked me inside, and along with some family drama shit that never should have happened, I feel into a depression for several years. I’m just now coming out of it, with the help of God and my true family, but it’s not easy. And it’s impossible to do, if I’m not able to be physically active the way I used to be.

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Luckily, I’ve finally gotten to the point physically to where I can do the day-to-day stuff I have to, without hurting anything, or putting my fist through a wall from pain. I’ve started lightly working out, which already makes me feel like a wuss, and it does hurt.

But you know what, I can’t take it any more. I can’t sit around and wait for my body to heal. I am a slow healer either way, mainly due to some of those medical issues, and realistically, it will always hurt.

I don’t care. I’m ready to kick ass again. I need to. I have to. Otherwise, I’m going to lose my mind. I feel like my life has been put on hold, waiting for myself to heal.

monsters 2 impatient in line

I’m healed enough – I’m ready to feel the burn again. I miss it so badly, it puts me in tears. I’d rather cry from pain while actually doing something, than cry from the desire and wish that I could be doing something.

I have plenty of reasons to not. Doctors would tell me to wait. I’m a stubborn pit bull though, and I don’t care.

I want my body back. I want my six-pack abs back. I want my toned, hard body back, and the confidence that went with it. I miss myself, and my body can learn to deal with it.

confident rebellion anna kendrick

It won’t kill me, it will most likely just put me on my back a few times, before I toughen back up a bit. I’ve gotten soft, and I hate it.

If you’re still reading this, well, thank you. I appreciate the fact you care enough to read it. To be honest though, this isn’t for you – it’s for me. For me to realize I am there. I’m ready to get up and kick some ass again – mainly my own.

deal with it audrey hepburn

 

This time next year, I will not look like this. I will not feel like this. I will be back to myself again.

I’m ready – let’s feel the burn.

 

I Dyed My Hair…Purple…

Hi! How are you?

I’m, well, amazing! With the help of my incredible hubby, I dyed my hair purple this week. It’s awesome, I feel awesome, and I love it.

Just had to share that.

Also, hair dye stinks! Totally worth the odor though, cuz I have purple hair!! =D

 

Gunky Days

Hey guys, how are you?  Hopefully good.

Me, I’m doing…so so. ¬†My hormone therapy is difficult at the moment. ¬†I have good spells, and I have bad spells. ¬†Good days, and bad ones.

Then there are the days like today, where it’s stuck somewhere in the gunk between good and bad. ¬†I wish it could be good, and fear it slipping into bad. ¬†Blech.

Writing this though, I realize I haven’t even explained why I am going through hormone therapy hell. ¬†It’s probably something I need to talk about, since it’s now causing butterflies in my stomach, thinking about it. ¬†I’m afraid of it, and since my goal in life is to face any fear I find, I think I’m going to start a set of posts about why I keep talking about hormones.

Putting myself out there is hard, but I’m seeing more and more women doing it recently, especially with what I’m dealing with. ¬†Their courage is giving me more courage. ¬†At the same time, I wish I had a while ago, so I could give other women courage as well.

Better late than never =)

For today though, it’s a foggy, yucky, aching day, that isn’t quite bad, but not quite good either. ¬†Maybe some chocolate will make it a little better. ¬†Or a goofy cat video ūüėČ

 

#ThankfulThursday

Hiya everybody!  Hopefully your week is going along swimmingly =)

Last week, with all the Thanksgiving posts of inspiration, positive, and reminders to be thankful, my heart was rejuvenated a bit. ¬†I had the idea to make a Thankful Thursday a weekly post, because why keep being thankful limited to one day a year, or every few months? ¬†When Googling it (as I do with any new idea, to make sure I’m not stepping on toes) I saw that it’s already a thing! ¬†How cool is that! ¬†It’s definitely a band-wagon I want to jump on, so I am!

#ThankfulThursday

This is the first of what I hope will be many, many #ThankfulThursday posts.

Today, I’m thankful for my family, all the pets we have, and all the opportunities open to us. ¬†God has blessed us all so much, and I’m so grateful. ¬†I’m thankful for the ability to write blogs like this, and connect with amazing people all over the world. ¬†How amazing is that, to meet and befriend someone across the planet, with a blog. ¬†So crazy, and so amazing.

What are you thankful for this week?

Why = Death of Creativity

Why?  Such a simple question.  Three little words, seemingly harmless.

In reality, that little word has the potential to unravel a person completely.  Why?

A killer, masquerading as innocent curiosity.

People are naturally creative.  We are also naturally curious.  The irony is, curiosity can kill creativity.

When you ask “Why?” the search for the answer switches you into a new mindset. ¬†Out of creativity and imagination, you switch to logic. ¬†Even when you’re being creative, and asking “Why” with imagination, you’re automatically introducing logic into the idea/situation/area.

Answering “Why” means you need to know the path. ¬†You’re searching for the way something happened, the way it works. ¬†It adds in “How” almost automatically. ¬†The two work simultaneously most of the time, overpowering anything floating in the creative realms. ¬†They pull an idea from the clouds, anchoring it firmly to reality, caging the once free bird.

In our life, when something happens, we almost always react with “why” or “how” adding in the other easily. ¬†We are taught to look at the “who” “what” “when” “where” and “why” in school, and most still apply it to life.

The problem with this is, logic kills.  When things make sense all the time, there is no room for spontaneity or creativity.  Life is creativity.  It is organized chaos.  When you have too much logic, life becomes simply order.  Dull.  Lifeless.  Stressful.  Dying.  Suffocating.

When you apply that to God, you see the clear reason many people fall, fail, and walk away. ¬†They ask “why” far too often. ¬†We search for knowledge now, no matter what. ¬†We look for answers, for the reasons, for the logic. ¬†We kill ourselves searching for “truth” when the only truth that means anything, is the fact the “why” rarely ever matters. ¬†What is, is. ¬†God. ¬†He is, always has been, and always will be. ¬†He knows the why, so why isn’t that good enough?

Why can’t I simply enjoy something He’s given me? ¬†Why must I search for answers constantly? ¬†Why must I pick it apart, suffocating it with the obsessive need for knowledge and desire for the answer to “why” in my own head.

Cuz that’s really it – my head needs to know why, even when my heart already knows it is. ¬†It just is. ¬†That’s it.

I appease my own head, by suffocating my heart; drowning it in logic and a growling need for knowledge and answers.

When I stop asking “why” my spirit soars. ¬†My mind is able to be creative once again, released from the cage of logic. ¬†I can fly.

Why has it’s place. ¬†On the shelf, where it needs to stay. ¬†Only used when absolutely necessary. ¬†A dangerous tool, best left alone. ¬†A necessary evil.

God is creative. ¬†His logic is the only one that matters, and I don’t need to understand it, simply trust it. ¬†I follow Him as a child follows his father. ¬†He is my father, and I shouldn’t question Him so much, simply trust Him.

I knew this once. ¬†I simply did what my heart told me, without constantly asking why. ¬†If someone else asked me why, I’d simply shrug, and say “because I felt like I should” or something equally simple. ¬†Life was simple. ¬†Happy. ¬†An endless expanse of creativity and joy. ¬†I simply lived my life, grateful to have it, enjoying every second I spent marveling at God and His creation. ¬†Because really, He is a creator. ¬†Creative.

Seeking “knowledge” is folly, because I’ll never truly understand God. ¬†He is unfathomable. ¬†His knowledge is what actually matters, and my “logic” and “understanding” is as silly as holding a candle to the sun. ¬†It may make me feel a little better in the moment, but it’s fleeting, small, and in the grand scheme of things, meaningless. ¬†He is constant, unmovable, and magnificent. ¬†Why bother working His creation out in my head? ¬†He created us to enjoy life, not pick it apart and kill it with “why” and logic.

I don’t need to know the why. ¬†Just what is. ¬†Him. ¬†That’s all that matters.

I’m putting a smile on my face, my questions in the trash, shelving the “why” and following my malnourished heart. ¬†It’s time I take my life back from the greedy seed of Why.

Ready to move on, enjoy Him, and simply live.

So, I’m sick…again…

Whoopee! ¬†I’m sick. ¬†Again.

Ugh.

whoopee little rascals

I’ve been getting sick more often the past several years, and it suck. ¬†It’s not just sniffles either, no. ¬†It’s the full blown can’t get out of bed, legs don’t want to work, I feel like I’m going to die (overly dramatic, but still) kinda sick. ¬†Once my hormones and body settle down a bit, I’m sure that will subside a bit. ¬†I hope.

2d88d-nervous2bfrustrated2bkesha

What sucks the most though, is the fact that my sleep deprived brain seems to take the opportunity to be depressive and cynical. ¬†I start getting insecure about things I don’t normally worry about. ¬†Little things become nail-biting issues. ¬†My worry-wart-ness goes into over drive, and I start feeling like the whole world is falling apart. ¬†At least, my world.

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Does anyone else feel like that when they get sick? ¬†Is that normal? ¬†I don’t know. ¬†Maybe not.

emperor's new groove kronk eezma shrug

All I know is, that is the worst part of getting sick. ¬†The internal emotional/mental wars that start out of no where, and make me question everything. ¬†The little hissing voices I can normally tune out, become louder and more insistent, tearing me up inside. ¬†I can’t seem to decide anything, and the decisions and life choice I’ve made all start to bubble up and look warped.

freaked out minions despicable me

I suppose, on a deeper level, that probably stems from the fact I’m very insecure about my life. ¬†About myself. ¬†I’m a timid and nervous person already, and being sick causes my mind to magnify those issues even more.

Ugh. ¬†Maybe the real question should be, how to people live, without questioning everything all the time? ¬†Without being nervous and worried and conflicted? ¬†Not conflicted, I guess. ¬†Just insecure. ¬†How do some people seem to be so easily, comfortably secure in their life, and not worry about things like life choices or where they’re headed? ¬†It’s astonishing to me, and I’m envious of that ability. ¬†I need to figure out how to be like that, before I drive myself mad.

nervous gum chewing that's so raven symone

At the moment, in my sleep deprived mind, drenched in germs and a heightened sense of insecurity and self doubt, my whole life just seems warped and twisted. ¬†Skewed and odd, and I truly wonder what God is doing with my life. ¬†I hope He knows what He’s doing. ¬†I mean, I’m sure He does, of course. ¬†I guess really, I hope I’m hearing Him correctly. ¬†And if I’m not, I hope He knows I am trying.

sad bunny b&w

Ugh.  I need a hug.  And chocolate.  And sleep.

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