Whoopee! I’m sick. Again.
I’ve been getting sick more often the past several years, and it suck. It’s not just sniffles either, no. It’s the full blown can’t get out of bed, legs don’t want to work, I feel like I’m going to die (overly dramatic, but still) kinda sick. Once my hormones and body settle down a bit, I’m sure that will subside a bit. I hope.
What sucks the most though, is the fact that my sleep deprived brain seems to take the opportunity to be depressive and cynical. I start getting insecure about things I don’t normally worry about. Little things become nail-biting issues. My worry-wart-ness goes into over drive, and I start feeling like the whole world is falling apart. At least, my world.
Does anyone else feel like that when they get sick? Is that normal? I don’t know. Maybe not.
All I know is, that is the worst part of getting sick. The internal emotional/mental wars that start out of no where, and make me question everything. The little hissing voices I can normally tune out, become louder and more insistent, tearing me up inside. I can’t seem to decide anything, and the decisions and life choice I’ve made all start to bubble up and look warped.
I suppose, on a deeper level, that probably stems from the fact I’m very insecure about my life. About myself. I’m a timid and nervous person already, and being sick causes my mind to magnify those issues even more.
Ugh. Maybe the real question should be, how to people live, without questioning everything all the time? Without being nervous and worried and conflicted? Not conflicted, I guess. Just insecure. How do some people seem to be so easily, comfortably secure in their life, and not worry about things like life choices or where they’re headed? It’s astonishing to me, and I’m envious of that ability. I need to figure out how to be like that, before I drive myself mad.
At the moment, in my sleep deprived mind, drenched in germs and a heightened sense of insecurity and self doubt, my whole life just seems warped and twisted. Skewed and odd, and I truly wonder what God is doing with my life. I hope He knows what He’s doing. I mean, I’m sure He does, of course. I guess really, I hope I’m hearing Him correctly. And if I’m not, I hope He knows I am trying.
Ugh. I need a hug. And chocolate. And sleep.