Dancing Envy

So, I’m sick again, right?  Yeah.  Both my guys are working tonight, and I’m in bed.  Stuck between “too awake to sleep” and “feeling too crappy to walk” and/or “brain is mush, can’t think enough to work” keeping me in a state of blah.  The computer and I have spent a bit of time together today, wasting away the hours.

As I scroll through Facebook, bored and hoping for something to cheer my germ-filled body up, I come across this video:

Now, my first impression is to be impressed, obviously – wow!  They rock!  I’m overwhelmed by the smiles on their faces, and how much fun they’re having dancing together.

I start to think about how nice it would be to dance again; how much I miss it.  I remember how much energy I used to have, and how easy it was for me to do things like that.  To dance.  Move quickly and enthusiastically, using tons of energy and spreading joy.

I wonder if I’ll ever get there again.  I think about the soft layer of skin now resting over my relaxed, sick muscles.  Even when I’m healthy, I’m no where near the shape I used to be in.  I give in for a moment, to the self-loathing part of me, silently cursing my body and the things I dislike about it.

Then I merge into longing – the deep seeded desire to be able to use my body like that again.  To be fit; healthy; feeling good.

I think “Maybe it’s just that times have changed.”  Bah!  Times haven’t changed.  I’ve changed.  Or rather, my abilities have changed.

I hope I’ll get my body back soon.  I hope I’ll be able to move like that some day – smile like that some day.

I hope I’m not a coward.  Plenty of people have it worse than me, and somehow find the strength to do all sorts of great things.  Why can’t I?  What’s my excuse?  Why does my pain stop me, when my desire is so strong, and so deep, it brings me to tears.

My healing requires patience.  I’ve never been very good at patience.  We’ve had a very tense relationship over the years.  I’m looking forward to the day when I’m back in control, and not forced to submit to patience and waiting.

Til then, I’ll watch videos of people doing extraordinary things, pulled between awe and envy.

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