I Miss…

I miss acting. Theater. Theatre. Performing.

I miss figuring a character out, getting inside her head. Putting the puzzle pieces together to construct the perfect presentation of a fake person.

I miss becoming other people. I miss the drama, the energy, and the fun.

I miss highlighting my lines, and memorizing them to a T.

I miss playing with dialects, accents, and word choices.

I miss creating a person, and the having the pleasure of becoming that person.

Will I ever do this again? I’m not sure.

I dream of it. Yearn. Long to perform and entertain.

As my body grows older, my spirit grows restless, straining more against the confines of normalcy.

I miss me.

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Feb 29th Weirdness

I’m having a bit of an odd day today. Maybe it’s because it’s Friday the 29th, and this day only happens once every four years. I dunno.

A lot of people are superstitious about this particular day. Some believe it’s bad luck to be born on this day, others believe it’s magical if a loved one dies on this day. Some cultures have a tradition where a guy can’t say “no” if his girl proposes to him today, and if he does, he has to pay for the dress (or whatever the bride-to-be decides she wants him to pay for, when she does end up marrying). In the same category, a lot of people believe it’s bad luck to get married or divorced in a leap year.

All that being said, today, and this year, seem to be odd. Out of the norm, and important, somehow.

Maybe that’s why I feel odd? I feel a spiritual tugging deep down, and I can’t figure out why. I feel like something’s about to change, or something is going to happen, or something is coming. Just…something.

I feel nervous, but I feel like I don’t need to be. Like whatever this is, will be good. I dunno.

I just feel…weird. Kinda like I’m about to explode, in a good way. I just have to find the button, cuz I think once I press it, I’ll blow. I just don’t know how to find the damn thing. Like having a word on the tip of your tongue, and you’re just like “come on brain, spit it out!!” Kinda feeling like that inside at the moment. Come on spirit, figure this shit out!

Could just be hormones too, who knows. Weird day.

I’m Tired

I’m tired of feeling out of sync with the world.

I’m tired of sitting on the sidelines.

I’m tired of watching the world go by, while I chew my nails, worrying.

I’m tired of the piles of reasons my mind comes up with, as to why I shouldn’t do something I want to do.

I’m tired of letting any reason aside from “God or my hubby wouldn’t approve” be enough to stop my dreams.

I’m tired of hiding.

I’m tired of my box.

I’m tired of the chains.

Tour Invite for Desi Pere!!

Hiya everybody, hope your week is going well! Mine is so far, fingers crossed.

I’m excited today, because I’m sharing my tour signup link! =D I’m running a release tour in February, and am so excited! It’s nothing fancy, just a bit of fun to celebrate releasing my first book =)

I’d love to have anyone interested sign up to host. I’m offering reviews, as well as promo posts. I’ll send out excerpts, a playlist and soundtrack, do interviews & guest posts, and basically anything else you can think of!

Please check it out below, and sign up if you have time!

 Desi Pere Tour!!

Desi Pere

(Swirling Secrets, #1)

 Desi Pere

~Releasing: February 1st, 2016

~Genres: Young Adult, Paranormal

Magnhild, is a freak. From her name, right down to the naturally bizarre visage she can’t seem to get rid of- she’s an odd duck. 

Her life has taken a swirling plunge into the drain the past few months, but it’s nothing compared to what’s coming. All she wants is to finish school, and start over somewhere fun. Fate, has other plans. 

Enter the Desi Pere underground organization, and three of it’s loyal members: They’ve enlisted Magnhild’s cooperation, whether she likes it or not. They mean to exploit her superhuman gifts, ones she didn’t think anyone knew about. Overnight, she’s dragged into a world, and a war, the normal world doesn’t even know exist. The bait: reuniting her with her mother, who’s supposed to be dead. 

Danger, confusion, deception, and self-loathing fog each decision Magnhild faces. She desperately hopes to find her mother, and bring meaning to her past of abuse and isolation. 

Will she see through the web society has spun around her, or fall captive to century-old lies? In her search for the truth, she discovers she cannot find what she seeks, without first becoming herself, accepting her inner strength, and embracing her bizarre life…

Sign Up Today!!

Thank you so much! I can’t wait to see what readers think of this book. More than that though, I can’t wait to keep working on the sequel! Writing is so much fun!! =D

If you wouldn’t mind, I’d appreciate if you’d share this sign up invite with your friends – the more people joining the fun, the better! Thanks!! =D

I hope you have a fantastic week!

Ciao for now,

~Roze

Low Dayz

I hate days like today. The low days. Days where depression seems far stronger than I am, and drags me down like an anchor, strapped to my ankles.

I feel helpless, hopeless, pathetic, sad, angry, scared, frustrated, and overall, simply emotional. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

I feel the pressure of all the things I need to do, weighing down my shoulders, pushing me into a slump, increasing the negativity of my current self. I know I’ll regret not working on the things I need to get done, but when I try to push those overloaded shoulders up and get to work, I find I lack the energy.

I didn’t a few hours ago. Why now? What’s changed?

My depression got a boost from my new hormone pills, and together, they’ve knocked me on my back.

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering how it came to this. I was happy; laughing; the smile on my face came so easily. I was jazzed, ready to take on the world, had a plan.

That stupid little pill, the one fixing my screwed up body, had to be taken at noon. I steeled my mind to stay positive, to keep up the same attitude and energy even after the pill’s contents had entered my blood stream.

I failed. Again. The pill is too difficult to fight when I haven’t slept well. I can’t be tired and strong – it’s too much to fight on my own.

So I fall. Just keeping my mind from sinking into darkness is a chore, and now I have to settle for a new goal for the day: breathing.

I’ll turn to God. Pray for a while, set my mind on things that will make me at least want to smile. I’ll push through, and later welcome sleep. I’ll wake in the morning, once again jazzed and ready to get everything done. I’ll take my pills at noon, and be back where I am now.

Oh, how I pray for the day my body is straightened out, where I don’t feel like this any more. Then I can be over these pills. Done with the roller coasters. Past the madness.

Until that day, I’ll simply breath.

 

What “Follow Your Heart” Means to Me

Recently, I came across a post on Facebook, one of those memes from Word Porn (the name bugs me, but they’ve got some amazing motivational stuff posted daily, so whatevs). It was basically saying another version of “Follow Your Heart, it Knows” or something like that.

While that got me thinking a little, what really caught my attention was a guy’s comment. He said: “‘Listen to your heart, it knows.’ Hmm. I am reminded here of Jeremiah 17:9: ‘The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?’ So who’s right, the Native Americans or the ancient Israelites?”

This struck me as odd, because I do follow my heart, and I feel it’s right.

So of course, I went to Google, and searched through results for “following your heart and the bible.” Not so surprisingly, there are plenty of articles on this topic. Most say “don’t follow your heart” based on the same scripture passage above.

I challenged my own heart, and my spirit, with this view. I checked myself against it, and let myself digest it for a moment. Then I prayed about it, because the idea that following my heart is wrong, wasn’t sitting well with me. It felt twisted.

I’d like to share what I felt God explaining to me, when I asked Him about it.

True, our hearts themselves are easily manipulated, and dangerous to follow. So is our own mind. They are selfish, proud, vindictive, and all sorts of other nasty things – we’re human, that’s part of the messy package.

Thing is, when we accept Christ into our lives, He then (if you’re actually following Him) is the one leading our hearts. The Holy Spirit lives in us then, and is another voice to rival our human heart’s petty voice.

He gave me the image of something at it’s basic level – functional, but not reliable. You have to add things to it that are reliable – Jesus & The Holy Spirit – and put effort into it – learning to let Jesus lead your heart, instead of your heart leading you – in order for it to become something helpful.

Where I became so conflicted when I first looked into it today, was from the fact I don’t have a basic heart any more, and haven’t for most of my life. I’ve let Jesus lead my heart since I was 3, and I don’t remember what my heart’s basic voice is. It wouldn’t even feel like my heart, because it belongs so completely to the Lord.

So, for me, I do follow my heart. However, the base of that is, Jesus is the one leading my heart.

When I was 6, God gave me a vision that I’m like a blind child, and He is my seeing eye dog. If I rely on my own abilities, I will fall repeatedly, and fail in most things I try to do in life. With my seeing eye dog, however, I am safe. If I trust Him completely, and let Him lead me, I won’t fail, and He will catch me any time I trip.

God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit are the seeing eye dog to my heart. I see it as His, not mine. There is no part of it that’s only mine any more, so it seemed odd to me to hear people talk about it so negatively. My first thought was “Jesus lives there, how can it be so nasty?”

I do see my heart as a compass, but only because it’s led by God, and works by Jesus’s grace. I let Them influence it completely, and check everything I’m not sure about with The Holy Spirit guiding my own spirit.

Maybe this is the kind of journey the heart is meant to take. We can’t rely on anything about ourselves without God, including our hearts. That’s the whole point of a relationship with Him, and I think, the whole point of life. To build the strongest relationship possible, with our Father.

Everything should be focused on Him – our hearts, our minds, our desires, our goals, our passions, and our mistakes. When He is the center of our world, the deceit we find in the world stops poisoning us. He protects us from it, and the longer we have a healthy relationship with Him, the stronger that resistance becomes.

That’s what it means to me, anyway. I felt lead to write a post about it, and I’d love to hear what you think!

 

Merry Christmas!

Hiya, hope you’re all having a wonderful Christmas!

In our family, we celebrate Christmas until after New Years. Why stop now, this season rocks! =D

If the Christmas celebration ends for you after today, we hope it was awesome for you, and hope the rest of December is smooth sailing!

What are you plans for the next week? Any ideas on how to end the year? We always like to try and go out with a bang! =D

One more week for 2015 – we hope it’s marvelous!

Thanks for all your support, and for being so awesome!

~Rose

 

So, I’ve Written A Book…

this is serious business anna k.

Some of you may know, I’m a writer. I write a ton, and have since I was two.

I’ve never had the nerve to actually publish anything though, and rarely even let other people read what I write. I know, stereotypical, right? I know a lot of people are the same way.

Well, I’m no exception. I had to get over that whole “what if they don’t liiiiike me?!” thing, and build up the courage to publish…something.

2d88d-nervous2bfrustrated2bkesha

Last year, I joined NaNoWriMo, and loved it! I had a blast, and while I didn’t even come close to finishing the book I started (got like 25,000 words or so), I decided I liked the story I’d come up with, and wanted to keep going. I wrote with the hope I’d be able to publish it, but no concrete plans.

A year later, I’m prepping it for the public!! I’m so nervous, but also extremely excited.

9f7a5-excited2btaylor2bswift

At the moment, it’s sitting with the beta-readers. I’m hoping to get them all back in January sometime, and have it edited (by my amazing editor hubby), ready to publish sometime in January. Fingers crossed 🙂

Anyway, if you’re a reader, and enjoy following newbie authors, I’d love the support!

thank you little girl creepy

I’ve made accounts under my author name, Roze Wallin – cool, hu? 😉

Anyway, I’m on Goodreads, Twitter, and Google +. I also made a Facebook profile, and an author page.

Please feel free to connect with me anywhere you’d like, and follow my book!

Desi Pere Cover Goodreads

It’s called Desi Pere, and is the first in the three part Swirling Secrets series. I have a place-holder image already, and am planning on releasing the official cover on January 11th. I designed it myself, and can’t wait to share it! =D
I’ll be putting together a list of blogs willing to participate in the Cover Reveal soon, which is so exciting!
I will also be putting together a Release Blitz, when I have a better idea of when I’ll have it ready to be published – eek! =D
I’m going to be self publishing through Amazon Kindle at first, then Createspace for the paperback copies.
I’m so excited to be sharing this book, and can’t wait to see what people think of it! Even if it’s a total bomb, it’s a ton of fun putting a story out there, and creating something from nothing. Always a treat.

If you’d like to contact me at all about my author/writing stuff, please feel free to shoot me an email, at rozewallin@gmail.com.

Thanks! 😀

 

 

I Need to Feel the Burn!!

I miss working out. Dear God, how I miss it!

crying dramatic zooey dash.

First off, let me say: I know it’s no one else’s fault that I haven’t worked out much the past few years. It’s entirely my doing, so don’t think this is one of those “oh poor me” posts. It’s not.

This is a “oh dear God, I can’t take it any more!!” post.

It’s me, saying I can’t stay like this any more. I can’t pretend I am ok with my body. I’ve learned the lesson needed from it – I’m comfortable in my skin, just the way it is.

That’s just it though – I’m comfortable. Not happy.

I’m not happy.

giphy (29)

I’m the only one who’s stopped myself from working out, and I’m the only one who can start again. I know this, full and well. That’s part of what this is for me, right now. Getting it out, writing it down, seeing it physically out there. Me, saying enough is enough. Dear God, woman, pull your shit together!!!

2d88d-nervous2bfrustrated2bkesha

See, in High School, I was known as a “workout nazi” among my friends and peers. I did cross country, weight training, soccer, basket ball, and helped train the wrestling team and football team. I was a trainer, I was a fitness expert, and I was a health nut guru. I still am, at heart. I have the knowledge, I have the experience, I just don’t have the ability.

Or at least, I haven’t.

I suffer from several chronic medical conditions. Part of what drove me to become such a workout nut, was the fact I was in pain, nearly 24/7. I wasn’t in a situation where I could deal with it medically, so I simply had to push through it. I’m a bit of a pit bull/bulldog of a woman, and I don’t just sit and pout when I’m in pain. I kick ass.

strong back

Having to finally deal with my medical issues though, meant I had to stop. I had to sit still, before I killed myself from neglecting the things that were killing me. Had I not stopped and dealt with the pain instead of pushing through it, I’d be worm food right now.

I’m glad I took a break. I’m glad I listened to my amazing hubby, and got myself figured out. I’m glad that my life isn’t at risk the same way any more.

s. gomez teary eyed thank you

Having a hysterectomy in my early 20s though, was traumatic. It took nearly two years for me to recover physically from my medical stuff. It was bad enough to where just going grocery shopping took all my strength, and nearly put me in tears from the pain. If you know me, you know I don’t cry easily – bulldog, remember?

giphy (22)

Mentally and emotionally, it took me another several years to pull myself out of the hole I fell into. Having to stop working out wrecked me inside, and along with some family drama shit that never should have happened, I feel into a depression for several years. I’m just now coming out of it, with the help of God and my true family, but it’s not easy. And it’s impossible to do, if I’m not able to be physically active the way I used to be.

giphy (55)

Luckily, I’ve finally gotten to the point physically to where I can do the day-to-day stuff I have to, without hurting anything, or putting my fist through a wall from pain. I’ve started lightly working out, which already makes me feel like a wuss, and it does hurt.

But you know what, I can’t take it any more. I can’t sit around and wait for my body to heal. I am a slow healer either way, mainly due to some of those medical issues, and realistically, it will always hurt.

I don’t care. I’m ready to kick ass again. I need to. I have to. Otherwise, I’m going to lose my mind. I feel like my life has been put on hold, waiting for myself to heal.

monsters 2 impatient in line

I’m healed enough – I’m ready to feel the burn again. I miss it so badly, it puts me in tears. I’d rather cry from pain while actually doing something, than cry from the desire and wish that I could be doing something.

I have plenty of reasons to not. Doctors would tell me to wait. I’m a stubborn pit bull though, and I don’t care.

I want my body back. I want my six-pack abs back. I want my toned, hard body back, and the confidence that went with it. I miss myself, and my body can learn to deal with it.

confident rebellion anna kendrick

It won’t kill me, it will most likely just put me on my back a few times, before I toughen back up a bit. I’ve gotten soft, and I hate it.

If you’re still reading this, well, thank you. I appreciate the fact you care enough to read it. To be honest though, this isn’t for you – it’s for me. For me to realize I am there. I’m ready to get up and kick some ass again – mainly my own.

deal with it audrey hepburn

 

This time next year, I will not look like this. I will not feel like this. I will be back to myself again.

I’m ready – let’s feel the burn.

 

I Dyed My Hair…Purple…

Hi! How are you?

I’m, well, amazing! With the help of my incredible hubby, I dyed my hair purple this week. It’s awesome, I feel awesome, and I love it.

Just had to share that.

Also, hair dye stinks! Totally worth the odor though, cuz I have purple hair!! =D

 

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